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PTSD one woman's dilema

 

Its 5:02 AM on Monday the 5th of August, my husband has to be at work at 6:00AM, he has been increasingly late for work and he has not been 6 month on the job, so understand why his timeliness is important. This morning like most, it’s hard to wake him up. I am praying his depression circle does not start this morning with my 35th birthday only 10 days away, because his depression period can last up to 3 weeks at a time and includes heavy drinking of brown liquor all day long, if not a bottle a day. I am not as knowledgeable about PTSD, but my Google search tells me it accounts for his frequent mood swings and depression.   Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell if the cause of his actions are from the liquor or PTSD but I am sure that each circle leaves me feeling  depressed and unhappy.  He lies around all day, complaining of bad migraine; well his migraines are almost daily, he wonders away and out of the house in the middle of a conversation and shuts me out. During his depression periods, the most I get out of him in terms of conversations are delivered during temper tantrum sessions or just blank steers. His eating habits change drastically, God forbid I have to take a ride with him during one of these periods with him as the driver; he speeds through bridges, or complicated highway intersections with the music blasted high, he has mentioned that “the noise in his head is higher than the music” needless to mention that I get so scared and find myself usually hanging on tight to the car door or my chair afraid my seat belt might not be good enough in an impact. If you are thinking now that this guy might be out of his mind, you do not want me to mention his road rage.

It’s now 5:50am  he is rolling out of bed, 10 minutes before he has to be at work, and after numerous attempts  to wake him, including trying to have quickie sex, but like most of my other attempts, that too failed. Lose of sexual desire is one of the things that is often in our marriage. I have often wondered how my husband, young and handsome can pass on sex with a woman with big tits, big ass, and flat stomach like me. Normally with a body like mine, I should be a cure for whatever he is going through. I have sneaked behind him in the shower, gone through his phone, car, trousers, shirts, laptop for signs of infidelity or masturbation, but nothing turned up.

It’s now 5:55am he is sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing his knees. On most mornings he wakes up with body aches, especially in his back and knees. His right knee has been accumulating lots of fluids. I have watched a doctor use a huge long needle to drain the fluids, an experience that can cause a weaker wife to develop PTSD.  Sometimes I feel like a caregiver who gets paid with sex once in long whiles as oppose to a wife.

I said “Good morning”. No response, “how did you sleep?” still no response. He tosses and turns most nights, and last night was no exception. I wake up feeling cranky too most morning and have to drink lots of coffee in order to be a better caregiver to him because he tosses and turns most of the nights, I wake up frequently throughout the night. I have pretended to fall asleep on the coach so I can get some sleep and avoid the bedroom.

This month will be 1 year since I started taking drugs to help me get pregnant, 9 months out of this period, we have not had sex during my ovulation period because it coincides with his depression or bad mood periods or whatever it is that I cannot help him overcome. For the other 2 months I am left to wonder how much influence alcohol has on his sperm count. I want a baby, his baby.  He want at least a baby too, something that proves we were here long after we are gone, the outcome of our marriage. I have considered using another man to father a child for me, but I kill the thought as soon as it surfaces. What kind of a wife will that make me? Then, I have thought that it will be easier if I left him, actually we have been separated twice. I ran back home to Boston only three months after we were married, and last year August for 3 weeks. When we met in 2009, I thought his ex-wife was stupid to have left but sometimes now I think of her as “The One That Got Away”.

I have reached out to his Family: father, brothers, sisters and friends because I really wanted to understand who my husband was before I met him. His Father said: “I don’t recognize my son beyond his face, he is somebody else, he does not call, or even open up to me like he use to”.  His brother said: “my brother Mark use to be the most fun, happy, person I know,  it seem like after he went to war, an alien inhabited his body” I chuckled; he continued in a serious tone “don’t laugh, it no joke, somebody else is in my brothers body”. I would continue to elaborate on my conversations with other members of his family except that the bottom line of all the conversations is that Mark has change from the kind, fun, considerate, loving, and happy son and brother that he once was.

I love my husband so much, I pray for the time that we can leave happily and do the things that lovers do, minus the PTSD, do things as basic as sitting down and watching a movie together.

I have heard people say, “The roof is what covers everything that happens in a house”, I wonder how much their roofs might be covering compared to mine and if I could ever be courageous enough to tell it all. If it helps you imagine, I will say this; I feel like I have aged 20years in the 2years that have been married.

I know I truly love my husband when through his impatience, disappearance, mood swings and detachments, all I want to do is make sure he is okay. Even when I put a pillow under his head and throw a blanket on him when he is passes out drunk on the floor, I worry if the floor is too hard for him. But I wish I understood enough about PTSD to help him better even though I already pray for my husband more than I Pray for myself. I secretly, don’t think another woman would care for him like I do, or would. I have to deal with a lot of guilt for some of these thoughts,  I feel like I am the only one giving emotionally in my marriage and also have to worry that with all his body pains his old age might not be easy.

Now I am watching him prepare to go to work already 15minutes late, I am praying silently that a miracle breaks the depression circles, and that I get pregnant this month. I will worry later about what type of father he will be, but today I am asking God for a miracle in all aspects of his life and our marriage.

My name is ………………….., wife of ……………….. since September 2011. I know my husband loves me so much and will avoid anything that makes me feel sad if he could. I see it in his eyes, when he is okay.

 

 

I had many question after reading this this letter. Is it possible to develop PTSD from dealing with a spouse with PTSD? If the answer is yes, then; the effect of war goes beyond healthcare, jobs, economic strength of a country, and retirement.  It gradually changes the society we live in.

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